Hard and fast summer rules from Claudia Winkleman


Quotes from

NO FUN IN THE SUN  
Now is the summer of my discontent, like every ruddy year.

by Claudia Winkleman in Tatler,
August 2011 (Vol. 306, No. 8 ) entitled “Pippa Rules”, p. 46


  1. “I don’t like sitting outside (pavement eating – what the hell is that?) and I don’t want to go to the park with a bottle of wine, a few bread rolls and some Boursin at three in the afternoon on a Sunday.  Seriously.  People do this.  I’ve seen them.”
  2. “If you can’t escape to the Artic, here’s my guide.  Oh and it’s not supposed to be friendly.  These are hard and fast rules.  If at any point you need to say them out loud to help them bed in, do it.”
  3. “Maxidresses are awful.  This is a genuine fact… loose-fitting, PATTERNED… spaghetti-strap… floor-length dress… You then think nothing of pairing this with a weird hippie-bag you bought in Ibiza two years ago… and you think you’re good to go.”
  4. “Maxidresses are heinous.  Really.”
  5. “Don’t make people look at your feet…That’s an order…  Do us all a favour and wear a ballet flat.  Cheers.”
  6. “Stop thinking you’re thirsty.  I mean it.  The large bottle of Evian you’re swigging from on the way to work?  Yes.  You…  You’re not walking across the desert.  You’re not running a marathon.  You’re not training for the Olympics.  You’re walking two blocks… Let’s get some perspective here… Wait until you’re at your desk.”
  7. “Don’t start suddenly thinking colour is a good idea.  Anything other than black, heather-grey, white and navy should be banned… If you think for a second that your Pucci shiftdress is a good idea, you are very much mistaken.  Block colour is bad enough, but swirly candy colours take bad taste to another dimension…”
  8. “Nobody, and I mean nobody, looks good in coral.  Even a clown fish needs a couple of strips  of white.”
  9. “Picnics are not an option… put it all into a hamper… and lug the whole thing to Hyde Park.  Then we could sit really close to people because the grass is just going to be packed… THEN, we can lug it all back again.” 
  10. “PICNICS ARE THE DEVIL.  They are a hideous excuse for people who make their own baba ghanoush (stay away from me – you have been warned)… and the whole day involves CARRYING.  If you have to eat outside, get a table outside at Villandry and be done with it.”
  11. “Music festivals are wrong.  Really.  Have you met me?  Which bit of the pooing outside, listening to music that doesn’t sound as good as the record and being surrounded by people off their TITS do you think I’d be in the mood for?  Count me out.”

Sun  Annoyed  Sun

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