Dilbert in pure text

DILBERT published date unknown
Two colleagues in the corridor by the large window with the venetian blinds closed…

Female colleague: *highly irritated*
“It’s impossible to get anything done this time of year because everyone who isn’t totally worthless is on vacation.

*pregnant pause*

No response from either side: female colleague wanders off…

Male colleague: *to his lonely-ass ego-deflated self*
“None taken.”

DILBERT Friday, July 1, 2011
Three colleagues in the meeting room…

Female colleague: *categorically*
“I have been informed that it is politically incorrect to use my fist of death at work.”

*the nearest sitting male colleague slyly eye-balls her timidly and yet uneasily*
*the second next sitting male colleague perks with interest, looks at her directly and with the added distance has the luxury of being a little less afraid*
*she immediately proceeds to force excessive energy into her eye-balls*

Female colleague: *resolutely*

(The sound of the eye-ball cannons rattling off the closest sitting male colleague’s back as he tries to escape… the other colleague barely manages it to safety under the shield of his counterpart*

(The vocal cords of nearest male colleague victim has a reflex reaction to her “totally legal” eye cannons… )

*She moves to stand over and inspect his perforated body as it lies face-down on the ground*

Female colleague: *nonchalantly but with semi-mocking regret and true pride*
“Oops. I didn’t know you were single. Married guys can take a higher setting.”

DILBERTSaturday, July 2, 2011
Two colleagues in the meeting room…

Female colleague: *assertively*
“Let’s begin the meeting, but be aware that I am documenting all of your bullying behaviour.”

Male colleague: *explicably and self-defensively*
“Um… I’m not even close to being a bully, but now your confirmation bias will make everything I say sound like bullying to you.”

*click click click click*
(The sound of annotation on some sort of recording device)

Female colleague: “*matter-of-factly*
“Can you repeat the part after you implied that I’m a delusional witch?”


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