Pure text Dilbert

 

DILBERT – published July 7, 2011 on dilbert.com Meeting with the boss dude with hair like devil horns… BOSS DUDE : *matter of factly* “I’d like to reward you for your hard work by giving you a lateral promotion.” SUB-ORDINATE DUDE : *startled* BOSS DUDE : *continues in same tone and same vein* “I was going to hire from the outside, but I realized I an make you do the new job plus your old one.” SUB-ORDINATE DUDE : *finally able to engage brain to suitable response mode* “Is money involved?” BOSS DUDE : *excited at the chance to express his one and only pure joy in the matter* “Yes! I’m saving a ton of it!”

DILBERT – published July 6, 2011 Meeting with fellow co-worker… Co-worker holding the all-important piece of paper with the meeting notes imprinted upon its parched surface matter: *feelings of grandeur* “This can’t be done.” Fellow co-worker: *restrained feelings of incessant rhetorical demeanour* “You aren’t capable of doing it.” Co-worker: *feeling insidiously undermined and rapidly retorts with defensive reflex* “I’m not saying I’m incapable!  I could do this in my sleep!” Fellow co-worker: *shameless and faceless jibe* “Because it’s easy.” Co-worker: *refuses to be taken down without a good fight* “WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!” Fellow co-worker: *gleeful rapid retort of offensive reflex with karate hands* “Ninja.”

DILBERT – published July 5, 2011 Accosts a ‘chance’ encounter in the corridor with boss dude with the pair of evil horns hair while he has just exited the meeting room holding a document folder and sub-ordinate is holding a mug of coffee… Sub-ordinate : *carefully re-attuned manner from casual pantry walk to more formal manner for chance encounter with the boss dude* “Did you read my comments on the two alternatives?” Boss dude : *ready for the unexpected encounter with matter-of-fact attitude* “No.” Sub-ordinate : *coffee mug suddenly feels heavy and hands feel cold… awkwardly the two hands stumble to hold the mug tight to the body for warmth and security* “I recommended option two because neither plan will work but option one is way more expensive.” Boss dude : *heard it all before, rather predictable and not really interested in hearing more but corporate manners dictate good listening skills…* “I already approved option one.” Sub-ordinate : *uneasy but steady with standard corporate nods and returns* “If you need any more help, just let me know.”

DILBERT – published July 4, 2011 Boss dude with pair of horns for hair is conducting a recruitment interview session… Candidate: *within an air of boredom* “You’re ignorant and ridiculous.  I’m bored.  Are we done here?” Boss dude: *sudden moment of clarity after sharp, winding knock on the ego* “You’re hired.  You must have awesome technical skills or else someone would have killed you by now.” =Post-interview session, the boss dude has obtained a fresh mug of fresh coffee and passes over a deep-thought… = Boss dude: *in a vulnerable state of deep consciousness and insight* “I can’t tell if I’m management genius or just lazy.”

DILBERT – published July 3, 2011 In the corridor intersection, pounces on and catches boss dude’s back while he is pre-occupied and mulling over things in his brain matter and walking from one office room to another… Sub-ordinate: *directs sudden verbal outburst onto boss dude’s suited back as he passes by, while showing-off a sheet of paper upon which are stored some words* “Can you look at this bid and let me know if I can order the hardware?” Boss dude: *holds the sheet of paper at arm’s length from face* “Yes.” Sub-ordinate: *as boss dude carries the paper away with him* “Are you saying yes I can order the hardware, or yes you’ll look at it?” Boss dude: *walks into his own office and places piece of paper onto his desk while keeping his back turned to sub-ordinate* “mumble, mumble” Sub-ordinate: *appears in the door-way of the boss dude’s office and stands inside the room* “WHAT?” Boss dude: *stands behind his desk while holding the flat, pivotal computer monitor atop his work desk* “I need your input on my Powerpoint deck” Sub-ordinate: *enters office and strides to stand in front of the desk* “So far, in response to my request, you’ve given me ambiguity, mumbling, and a change of subject.” *Boss dude develops shrewd eyes and sharp, acute, continuous drawing in of breath while eye-balling the sub-ordinate…* Sub-ordinate: *oblivious to any signs contrary to his smooth sailing* “Would you prefer that I badger you for an answer until you get angry, or should I return to my cubicle and resume being ineffective?” Boss dude: *feeling a little faint, a little dizzy and a little leg-less, his bottom subconsciously falls into his office chair* “You ask too many questions.”

DILBERT – published July 8, 2011 Three people meeting… Boss dude: *square with the meeting notes* “Our goal is to grow the top line by 20%.” Sub-ordinate #1: *armed and ready, pipes up incorporated knowledge* “How will we do that with products that aren’t competitive in an industry that isn’t growing?” Boss dude: *raises one eye-brow to create one small eye and one big eye and cynically side-eyeballs sub-ordinate with ability to repeat company wisdom* … Sub-ordinate #2: *hopeful and with the worthiness of a spare time newspaper-reader * “Does it involve crime?” Sub-ordinate #1: *turns to face chair-of-meeting directly for emphasis and so as not to be out-done in part-time knowledge stakes* “If it does, blink once.”

DILBERT – published May 2, 2011 Sub-ordinate enters boss’s office while boss is on the computer… Sub-ordinate: “My brain isn’t working at its peak efficiency this afternoon.” =After minor pause he continues to state with great clarity of self-importance and self-worth… = Sub-ordinate: “Common sense says I should go home early to avoid making any mistakes that would be bad for the company.” =After minor pause, he stammers, stutters and hesitates to become unsure of himself… = Sub-ordinate: “Unless… nothing I… do is important.” Boss: *swivels chair to concentrate directly and solely on sub-ordinate, with ease* “Sounds like your brain is back to its peak efficiency.”

DILBERT – published April 1, 2011 Sub-ordinate is lying on the therapist’s reclined couch chair… Sub-ordinate client: *in fluid verbosity* “I was holding a virtual meeting using the cloud and… ” Female therapist: *bursts forth with an interruption while sitting in her large armchair… * “You’re already dead and you don’t know it.” Sub-ordinate client: *stopped short and feels abrupt* “Um… no, I’m an engineer.” Female therapist: “And yet your soul had a meeting in a cloud.  Interesting.” Sub-ordinate client: *while digesting some therapist proffered self-information he sub-consciously offers a mater-of-fact statement* “My people call it an avatar.”

DILBERT – published April 4, 2011 Sub-ordinate and slightly higher ranking female sub-ordinate are in the boss’s office looking at the boss, where the boss is depleted and sidling down his swivel office chair with his arms splayed over the sides… Female ordinate: *informing sub-ordinate while half-reprimanding him* “Now you’ve done it.  He has brain over-load from your unnecessarily detailed answer.” =Both go to the other side of the boss’s desk to make a closer inspection, where the female ordinate examines the boss… = Female ordinate: *conclusively… * “Great.  He’s totally broken and we need a decision today.” Sub-ordinate: *pipes up a query to show status in life* “Is he nodding yes?” Female ordinate: *turns it up a notch…* “I’m sensing an opportunity here.”